It's been a hot minute since I last wrote and we are now in the final stage of our home build. I can hardly believe how quickly it has all unfolded- when this project began I was in the home stretch of my pregnancy with Russell and now I am packing boxes with a toddler and a seven month old. People mean it when they say the days are long but the years are short. On any given day I am stretched thin and exhausted between motherhood, work, and this home build... but then I blink an another month has passed. I feel like we brought Russell home from the hospital just days ago, and it feels like he's been here forever at the same time. It's weird how time can play tricks with you.
I truly feel like this house project and our sweet babies have created a beautifully messy chaos that have allowed me to step into my own. I have been budgeting, meal planning, cooking at home, packing our house, tackling a few DIY projects, and devouring any self-help book I can get my hands on... I feel like a transformed woman! Those that know me know I am usually more of a hot-mess (albeit wildly enthusiastic spirit), so to be more on top of these things is a real feat for me! All of these things are things that I'd been wanting to do for a long time, but just never did... and I finally decided to do something about it.
With these new habits and hobbies I've been cultivating, I have been finding a renewed sense of confidence in my purpose and in my decisions. I am truly loving motherhood, more so than I ever imagined I could. It is a high calling and it takes every single ounce of me, but I feel so emotionally connected to my babies and watching them encounter the world sparks my own fire day after day. I also feel like I'm achieving some wife goals I had set for myself long before we got married. It's often imperfect and at times a little disorganized, but it is filled with joy and love. I'm embracing my own path and I'm learning not to compare it to anyone else's. I truly just hope and pray I am bringing love, joy, and light into each of my boys' days.
In complete transparency I do, selfishly, wish I had a little more "me time." Currently my "me time" is going to the grocery store by myself after leaving work, or reading a few chapters in a book while I pump... in the dark... late at night. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the days of freely taking pure barre classes all the time, getting my nails done, and leisurely strolling through Hobby Lobby for the fun of it, all with no time restraints. Oh! And sleeping in. I miss that, too. See- selfish, right? But I remind myself first, that babies don't keep. And second, this life is not about me. It is about shining God's light through me. And that means loving and nurturing well above all else. Everything else is trivial. I am commanded to love and that is what I want to do for all of my days.
The past few months the same prayer has come to me repeatedly. I just keep replaying the words in my mind: "as above, so below." I certainly didn't invent the saying, but my heart apparently has adopted it as a mantra. It just keeps coming to me, crashing into my thoughts like the waves on the sand. At first I wasn't sure what it meant for me, but as we recited the Lord's Prayer recently at a friends wedding it came to me: "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." As above, heaven. So below, earth. Heaven on earth. So simple and so perfect to describe the haven I want our home to be for our children. The kind of haven I want to be for them as a mother. Selfless, radically, loving.
On that note, I'll leave you with a few things that might inspire you, resonate with you, or bring you joy: Come Matter Here by Hannah Brencher and Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne are both great books I've recently read. I've also had this new song by Jason Mraz on repeat. It's so happy and good.